I’m better y’all. I’d like to just put that last lil rant behind me cause I’m pretty sure it was just me being over-dramatic, bored and a lil PMSy. So….yeah…
In other words, I got a Formspring. Why am I getting all these stupid sites? Especially one that allows people to ask you embarrassing, rude, sexual, etc. questions and allows them to be anonymous? This will probably not last more than a week, lol.
I realize that I sound selfish and self-centered, but why can’t someone ask me if I need help or advice? Why does it seem like no one gives a fuck about what I’m going through?
Just last night, I was talking to a friend of mine over Skype. She was telling me about some romantic problems and wanted my advice. I gave her as much help as I could, but she kept coming back with a rebuttal for everything I said (this is slowly becoming a new pet peeve of mine). Everytime she did this, I found myself becoming more bitter and angry. Finally, I just said things that, while in truth may have actually been what was going on in the situation, were fairly rude, I thought. Although she took my words with a thank you and said it helped her, I still felt bad.
You may be wondering what this has to do with my original point. Well, after she logged off Skype, aside from the guilt of saying those rude things, I felt abandoned. After we had finished talking about her problems, I realized that I had a few of my own that we hadn’t talked about at all. I suppose it would have been easy for me to just stop and say, “hey, can I talk to you about something?” but I thought that would’ve been rude. Now, I’m just left feeling like no one cares about how I feel.
I’ve been put in this situation SO many times: people seek me as the one to give all the advice, but when it comes to problems of my own, they apparently don’t exist. I’m 18 years old; I am going through the same shit as everyone else. But is it worth talking about? Nope, not really.
I realize that part of the reason that this happens is that I get myself involved of my own free will. Is it so wrong to care about people? I don’t think so. But I guess, after a while, it would be nice if people showed me the same kindness and caring that I show them.
God, I hate saying this. I sound like a spoiled brat. But, I would like to be able to pour my heart out. Say everything on my mind, no matter how hard it is. Then, once I’m done and probably in tears, have someone rub my back or hold my hand and tell me “it’s all right, everything’s gonna be okay.” And I would believe them, like when I was four years old.
….My mom would do that. She would listen to everything I had to say, then hug me and lull me back to my normal sense of mind. And everything would be okay.
But I don’t have that anymore. I could talk to my dad I suppose, but it’s not the same. He just can’t take mom’s place completely, though I know he’s trying. And I’m grateful for all he’s done. But…..
I want to see her. I want to hear her. I want to feel her warmth. But I can’t anymore. Even though I know she lives within me and watches over me, it’s not the same. Lord, I can hardly even remember what she looks like. How pathetic is that?!
That’s why I get so mad when I hear people complain about their moms. “She wouldn’t let me do this or that.” Because she cares about you. “She keeps bugging me about this and that.” Because she wants to help you. “She wants to spend more time with me.” Because she loves you. Lord, how can you complain about your moms!? They love you!! They raised you!! They brought you into this world!! What the fuck is wrong with that!?!? How would you feel if your mom was taken away from you when you were 10?! How would you feel if she had to stay in a women’s correctional facility?! How would you feel if she couldn’t come back to live with the rest of your family?! How would you feel if she died from a heart attack before you turned 18?!
How would you feel if you felt like all of this was your fault and that you were never able to tell her how much you love her before she died?!
….Maybe that’s what this all boils down to. I’m devastated that I don’t have a mom or even a mother figure. And now that I’ve become everyone else’s, I want someone to be mine.
I want someone to care about me. Is that so much to ask for?
P.S. This is gonna sound stupid, but no one text/message/Skype/etc. me about this or ask me if I wanna talk about it. I don’t.
P.P.S. I’ll be fine in a while.
Hi, my name is: Megan
Never in my life have I been: To Europe.
The one person who can drive me nuts is: Anyone I just generally find annoying.
High school: Is almost over.
When I’m nervous: I need something to do with my hands.
The last song I listened to was: Lacie by Kajiura Yuki
If I were to get married right now my best man/maid of honor: Alex, because I told her this a couple weeks ago, lol. (I feel that I must add that the last person who did this answered this question with Megan. Made me smile. :))
My hair is: Red, somewhat short and a little wavy.
When I was 5: I had read every Dr. Seuss book at least once.
Last Christmas: My grandparents didn’t have a Christmas tree. Sad…
I should be..: Considered incredibly blessed that I know I have so many good things in my life.
When I look down I see: The floor.
The happiest recent event was: Starting spring break.
If I were a character on ‘Friends’ I’d be: I have no idea. Maybe Phoebe…??
By this time next year: I will be in college!
I have a hard time understanding: Math
There’s this girl I know that: Has seen me through the good, bad and ugly and still sticks with me.
I like you when: you stay beside me and talk to me honestly.
If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: My dad. (Again, the last person said Megan here.)
Take my advice: Take things little by little every day.
The thing I want to buy: is on my wish-list.
If you visited the place I was born: It wouldn’t be that interesting.
I plan to visit: Ireland, Italy, Japan and New York. Maybe England.
If you spent the night at my house: My dog would jump all over you.
I’d stop my wedding if: something on the same level as the apocalypse happened.
The world could do without: War.
I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: spend time with someone I can’t stand.
Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Some clothes.
Most recent thing someone else bought me: Video games.
If there’s one thing I want over spring break, it’s nice weather. I’m talking high 60s-70s with no rain. I love the rain, but I love the sun even more.
My plans so far are fun things: going to Seattle, meeting up with a dear friend I haven’t seen in two years, playing video games. Oh, and shopping. For fun and for prom. I’m crossing my fingers that I find a good dress at a fairly cheap price. And that the boy I want to ask says yes. fingers crossed
Yay for no school for a week! :D
Pain, sadness, agony, heartbreak, loneliness, despair
These are feelings that wrap our world and its people. Even now, countless people are enduring some sort of suffering. It’s at moments like these that people lose their way, even their sight of the future ahead. It becomes distorted, clouded and, eventually, lost in darkness.
But what people fail to realize is that darkness is not eternal. Neither is pain.
We endure pain to rediscover joy, we harbor agony so that we can replace it harmony and we suffer heartache so happiness can mend the wounds.
Darkness makes the light shine brighter. Ugliness makes the beauty stand out.
I write this in commemoration of all the people I know who are going through tough times of various kinds: remember that pain does not last forever. And while joy is also not eternal, it always makes its way back into our lives.
I feel as if I’m surrounded by love. Even people I don’t even talk to regularly love me. It’s odd, but I’m glad to have these kinds of feelings. :)
On a side note, today was beautiful. But I heard it’s gonna rain tomorrow. Booo…I want spring sunshine.
The love that you’re seeking is something I’m searching for as well. I think all of us want that feeling of companionship, that feeling of comfort and love from another person. Whether the type of love that we see in those fairy tales exists, I cannot say. Sometimes I believe in whole heartedly, other times I think it’s just a figment of peoples’ imaginations. Whether it’s real or not, I cannot say.
However, I do know this: you’re not going to find it if you just sit around and wait for it to come.
The point of having a life is to live it to the fullest. So take the opportunity to go out and live it. I mean, you’re still in college. You’re supposed to go out there, try different things, make mistakes and pick yourself back up from those mistakes. The same goes for relationships; they can be good, bad, long short, it doesn’t matter. The point is to date different people in order to have a clear understanding of what you want in a person.
You say you have a good idea of what you want in a guy, but do you really? You’ve only truly dated one guy, and many of the attributes you said you desire from men pertain to that one individual. If you’re trying to find another man that can take his place, it sounds nearly impossible. Because he is unique, individual. He is the only one who can fill the spot he takes in life.
So go ahead and give these other guys you talk about a chance. You say they aren’t your type, but how can you really know for sure? Give these guys a chance; after all, when one door closes, another door opens. Don’t let one bad relationship ruin the rest of your dating future. Be open, take risks and see where they go. If they go well, great! If not, at least you can say you tried. And now you have a better idea of what you’re searching for.
Besides, didn’t you say that you wish you knew your ex better as a friend before you had started dating? Well, isn’t that what you have with these guys? Why not take a chance and learn something new?
Isn’t that what life is about, after all?
P.S. Sorry if this had a somewhat harsh tone. It’s one of my pet-peeves when people just sit around and hope for things to come their way. That’s not how it works; if you want something to happen, make it happen. With your own hands.
Today was beautiful! Despite the fact that I spent almost all day doing some sort of school-related work, I got to enjoy the sunshine for just a moment. And now, I have a feeling that life is going to get a little easier. What a good feeling. :)
How long have you listened to my words now? I feel as if it’s been a long time.
How long have I listened to your words? It feels like hardly ever.
But recently, I can hear them coming out, loud and clear. And what you can say is beautiful, but underneath lies something dark. Like everything you write is on a palimpsest, hiding the darker truth. It is that reason why I must ask…
Are you dying?
If that is so, then come with me. Do something with me. Share a moment of this vast, yet incredibly short life we have in this world.
I realize that this must sound strange, seeing as how you and I never really talk. But, even so, does that mean we cannot share moments together? Does this mean it wouldn’t be right to look into each others eyes and speak, sing, laugh and cry?
I don’t believe so.
So, if you want, take my hand. I’ll share all my words with you as if they’re the last ones in my body. And you do the same. For who knows: tomorrow, I may not hear them again.
So speak, blue bird, Sing for me.
I’ve held this secret long enough, to the point where it’s driving me insane. I’m asking you to listen to me, one final time. Please understand.
I wish I knew where these feelings were going to lead me. Or you even. But I’m not clairvoyant; I don’t have any mystic powers. All I know is what I see in front of me and inside me.
And what I see is love. A foolish love. A love that’s cared for me dangerously and hurt me beautifully.
In the end, I cannot say what this love will mean for me and you. But please, don’t think of me differently. Can you still look at me the same as you have before? Can I rely on you like you’ve relied on me? Or is that too much?
Forgive this stupid girl for succumbing to this. Blame that stupid boy for being so quiet all this time. And, when all is said and done, let us put aside all the ugliness, pain, even the bliss, and let’s be in balance.
While I may not be clairvoyant, I’ve always had one image: you, me, smiling, together.
Even though I have a butt-load of work to do, I’m bored (how?). So I’m gonna do the longest possible meme I could find to kill this “boredom.”
Body Type? Curvy
Complexion? VERY white
Descendents? Irish, German and a little Polish (I think…)
Ears pierced? Yes
Fears and Phobias? Arachnophobia, being alone/forgotten
Hair colour? Red
Initials of full name? MEK
Marital Status? Single
Nicknames? Meggy Mo, Veggie Mo, Megani, Meegan
Pets? Axel the Golden Retriever and Snowflake the black cat
Eye Colour? Brown
Weight? ….I’d rather not say.
Height? (Deja vu?) 5’8”
Year of Birth? 1991
Date of Birth? September 8
Zodiac sign? Virgo
Whose your best friend? I have a few very good friends, but if I had to pick the one that I spend the most time with, it’s Alex. :)
How many really close friends do you have? A handful, and then I have a bunch of friends and acquaintances.
Have you ever dated a friend? Yes, a couple times in fact. I have a policy where I try to be friends first, then lovers. Makes things easier and you get a good chance to know the person.
Did it turn out good? Did it ruin your friendship? It usually doesn’t ruin the friendship, but, of course, there are times where it just doesn’t hold.
Which friend do you tell your private stuff and secrets to? Mostly Alex.
Which of your friends makes you laugh the most? Alex and Ben.
Which of your friends do you fight with most? I’ve never really had any bad fights with any of my friends. We get into debates, but that’s all.
Which friend is most like you? Alex. We’re so alike it’s frightening.
Which friend is least like you? Hmmmm…..not really sure…..
What do you value most in a friend? Someone who’s honest, is there for you when you need them and can make even the biggest jams feel lighter. Of course, these are all policies I try to keep with my friends.
What could you never forgive a friend for doing? Betraying my trust in anyway and then not even taking the time to talk about it or apologize about it.
Do you agree with friends with benefits? Not really.
Are you closer to your friends or family? Probably friends.
What friends do you hang with most? Alex, Tori, Sarah and Ben.
What friends do you wish you knew better? I wish I knew my guy friends more. I was so much closer with males when I was little, and then I grew closer to females. Not that I’m complaining, I just wish I still had those connections.
Can you be friends with someone ten years younger than you or more? Hmmm….it would be hard. I’d see them more as a child than a friend.
Can you be friends with someone ten years older or more? Yup.
Do your friends have similar tastes to you? Yup.
Are your friends more male or female? Like I said, females.
Are any of your old friends enemies? There is one friend in particular that I just won’t ever talk to again. She mocked me, betrayed me and never made an attempt to say I’m sorry. Now she wonders why I never talk to her anymore. Tch…
Are any of your old enemies now friends? They aren’t enemies per se, just people that I had wrong impressions about. Now that I’m getting to know them, they’re really good people.
Who was your first best friend? Tommy. He lived right down my street. We were both obsessed with Pokemon and Dragonball Z. Then, after a while, he figured out playing with girls was “icky” and made friends with my brother. the he moved away after his dad re-married. Now I don’t even know where he is.
Is your family like your friends/your friends like your family? My family is my family. I love them, but there are just some things that I can’t talk to them about cause it’s embarrassing for me. But I do feel like my friends have grown to become a second family for me.
—Have You Ever—
Have you ever eaten haggis? No
Have you ever taken magic mushrooms? No
Have you ever been to Wales? No
Have you ever broken a bone? Oddly enough, no
Have you ever been caught having sex? No
Have you ever been caught stealing? No
Have you ever called your boyfriend by the wrong name? No. I did give one a nickname because he had the same name as my brother and I felt that was a little awkward.
Have you ever eyed up someone else’s boyfriend? Yeah, guilty of that… :/
Have you ever done Heroin? No
Have you ever fired a gun? No
Have you ever forgotten your mothers or father’s birthday? Yeah. I could never remember my mom’s. It’s a sad fact…..
Have you ever gotten drunk on beer? No
Have you ever gambled online? No
Have you ever given someone flowers? Sometimes my actor friends.
Have you ever hit a man in the balls? No
Have you ever injected yourself with anything? No
Have you ever intentionally set something on fire besides a cigarette? Yeah. So much fun! No, I didn’t burn anything down.
Have you ever jumped off a cliff? No
Have you ever kissed a dog? On the head, yes. Axel!! >3<
Have you ever lost your keys in your own house? Yeah, everyday.
Have you ever loved someone you never could have? This question really confuses me. Outside of big stars, who’s a person you could “never have?” Even if they don’t like you back, it’s not like there’s a 0% chance of you two getting together. I dunno, I’m making too big of a deal about it.
Have you ever met a football player in person (famous)? No
Have you ever made your own recipe to a popular meal? No, but I’d like to.
Have you ever ordered chinese food past 1am? No
Have you ever pictured your friend’s partner naked? No
Have you ever played tictactoe? Who hasn’t?
Have you ever quoted Shakespeare in a conversation? Yeah
Have you ever read the Bible the whole way through? No, but I will someday.
Have you ever read the dictionary just for fun? No
Have you ever stumbled up the stairs? No
Have you ever smoked marijuana? No
Have you ever tried Mexican cuisine? Yeah
Have you ever wrote to a celebrity? No
Have you ever worn a kilt? No
If you were an animal you’d be a? A bird of some sort.
If you were a brand you’d be? Free People
If you were a colour you’d be? Red
If you were a deadly sin you’d be? Greed
If you were an event you’d be? A writer’s conference of some kind.
If you were a film you’d be? A Disney one probably.
If you were a girl’s name you’d be? I was told Amanda would be a good name for me…I don’t really agree.
If you were a holiday you’d be? St. Patrick’s Day
If you were an indian dish you’d be? Probably curry of some sort.
If you were a joke you’d be? An Irish one. :3
If you were a kiss you’d be like? I’d start out soft and then get a little more intense.
If you were a lesson you’d be a lesson in? Keeping your imagination alive.
If you were a month you’d be? April or September
If you were a novel you’d be? Some kind of slice-of-life/romance novel.
If you were an order you’d be? An “order?” What kind of “order?”
If you were a picture you’d be of? A girl sitting under a tree on a sunny day, wearing a white dress, a notebook and pen in her lap, possibly leaning against an unknown guy’s shoulder.
If you were a question you’d be? Why are we here?
If you were a religion you’d be? Either Judaism or Buddhism
If you were a season you’d be? Spring
If you were a TV show you’d be? Not sure…
If you were a universe you’d be? I’d like to be a star instead.
If you were a virtue you’d be? Trust
If you were a weather type you’d be? A blue sky with one or two fluffy clouds.
If you were an x-rated film you’d be called? Uhm….I’m not one to come up with errotic titles, sorry to say.
If you were a year you’d be? Somewhere in the 1990s.
If you were a zoo animal you’d be? A seal.
If you were born blind do you think you’d act the same? Pretty much.
If you were skinnier would you like yourself more? I would like to lose some weight, but I have a pretty nice body all-in-all.
If you had to chose one person to share a house with for 10 years who? Alex.
If you couldn’t hear would you miss voices more or music? Music
If you got frozen and then unfrozen 200 years later what would you expect? The world was no longer dying.
Are you dating someone right now? What are they like? Not dating anyone.
Are you single? Yes
Why are you single? Cause I’m not in a relationship (duh!)
Have you ever been in love? Maybe. I’m not sure if this is love or not.
How many serious relationships have you had? A few, some better than others.
Are you glad or sad that you’re single? I’m not sad, but I would like to start dating again.
How long ago was your last relationship? A couple years ago.
Do you prefer someone needy or independant? A mix. If he needs me, I don’t want him to keep it inside himself.
Someone sensitive or detached? Sensitive
Diplomatic or blunt? A mix.
Attractive or clever? A mix
Funny or serious? Funny most of the time, but he should know when to be serious.
Cute or sexy? Either is fine.
Romantic or none romantic? Romantic
Boyish or manly? Either is nice, though the boyish ones shouldn’t be too immature.
Muscular or slim? Either
Sweet or cheeky? Mostly sweet
Do you want to be called babe, honey, darling by your partner? I like hon and sweetie. Darling will wait until I get married.
Do you want them to hug and kiss you in public? Yes
How about in front of yours or their family? Yes, occasionally.
Do you want them to contact you every day in some form or other? Mmm, maybe not every day, but most of the time, yes.
Would you rather they were the dominant in the relationship or you? I’d like it to be equal, though I have a hard time being decisive, so if they were more dominant, that’d be nice.
What do you think of abortion? I don’t disagree with it, but I wouldn’t do it. I’d feel awful.
Colour in culture? You mean racial diversity? Uh, hell yes!
Drugs? Meh….not a big fan.
Dating disorders? Like, polygamy or something? Uhh…they can be worked on.
French food? French pastries are nice.
Groupies? I find them obsessive and annoying, but if they want to spend their life that way, go right on ahead.
Homophobia? Love the GLBTQ comm!
History? BORING subject but I guess it’s important…
Iraq and the war? Can’t we just stop?
Jokes that may be clasped offensive? Well…I find some funny, but there’s a line.
Killing killers? Irony, lol.
Love or the depiction of it? Spread the love!
Naming inanimate objects? I name stuffed animals sometimes.
Polo mints? …..They’re…..nice?
Snack foods? Don’t over-snack kiddies!
Sharing? Quite important.
Teenagers or how they are shown to be? Don’t be in such a rush to grow up! For God’s sake, viva youth!
Violence in video games? Keep it in the game. I have a little cousin who’s always “shooting” stuff and it’s not only violent, it’s really annoying.
War in general? I find it honorable that people are willing to go out and defend their country, but I would like no more war.
Wrestling? Fine I guess. Fun to do with BFs. ;)
X-Rated movies? I guess they’re okay, but I don’t watch them.
Zoos? Fun date!
What colour is your current underwear? Pink and white.
Do you have an issue with identity? Nope
Have you ever been to a psychologist? Yes
Have you ever been suicidal? No
Do you fear someone you know? No
What bra size are you? *sigh* If you know anything about my past, this question has come up frequently. Fine, 34 DD.
What age do you feel? 18
What age do you look? People have mistaken me for being in the mid-20s. Not sure if I like that.
Remind me again your actual age? 18
Is there a commercial, show, movie, web comic etc that scares you bad? Meh, not really.
Are you ashamed of this? No
Would you ever kill someone who raped a child? Maybe not kill, but yell and hit at a lot.
Do you regret dating someone from the past? I’ve had a couple bad relationships, but those only make me cherish the good ones.
Are you or have you questioned your sexuality? I will admit, I have. But now I know I’m straight.
Do you understand why people would find you attractive? Yes, though they’re mostly superficial reasons. The thing I hate most is that all the guys that like me genuinely are always too afraid to admit it. I only find out because people tell me later on. WTF?
—This or That—
Acting or singing? Both. Musicals! :)
After or before? After
Alias or real name? Real name
Animal or Human? Human
Ants or bees? Bees
Apple or Banana? Banana
Apple or Pear? Apple
Art or Music? Both
Attic or basement? Attic
Avid reader or writer? Both
Award or Medal? Award
Axe or Hammer? Hammer
Backwards or forwards? Forwards
Badboy or Mummy’s boy? Badboy
Ballroom dancing or break dancing? Break dancing
Ballet or Gymnastics? Gymnastics
Band or Solo singer? Band
Banana or Mango? Banana
Banana or Peach? Peach
Bar or Club? Club
Bart or Homer? Homer
Beach or Ski? Beach
Beef or Chicken? Chicken
Big or Small? Big
Bike or Skate? Bike
Biography or Autobiography? Autobiography
Black or White? White
Bland or Spicy? Bland
Blind or Deaf? Blind
Blue or Green? Green
Blue or Purple? Blu
Body or Soul? Soul
Book or TV? Both
Brother or Sister? Brother
Bus or Walk? Walk
Candle or Incense? Incense
Cat or Dog? Dog
Chandler or Joey? Chandler (and there’s a reason why…)
Chapel or Church? Chapel
Charm or Wit? Both
Cheddar or Bree? Cheddar
Chemistry or Biology? Neither, English!
Chips or Daddy? Chips
Coffee or Tea? Coffee
Coke or Dr.Pepper? Coke
Cold or Hot? Hot
Cool or Warm? Warm
I don’t care about anything
That’s what my face may be saying
But I’ve been praying, harder than most
I can do anything
That’s what I’m chanting inside my heart
That’s why I’ll keep trying
It’s 10 o’ clock at night
I’m watching TV alone in the dark
This time last year
I didn’t feel as alone as I do now
How many things have changed in the year that’s come and gone?
What will change in the moments that are on their way?
I’m too nervous to find out
I don’t care about anything
I’m running a little late today
So I have to work harder than full speed
I’ll press through the work
I’ll act like it doesn’t bother me
And, like an idiot, I’ll keep trying
To be honest, I’m incredibly greedy
I try to take as much as I can
I guess that’s why, when I see my face in the mirror
I want to smash it to pieces
But I’ll keep making wishes on the moonlight
Hoping for a way to get myself out of the mud
I don’t care about anything
I try to strike a cool pose every now and then
I’ll either flop or fly
But, in the end, I’ll still walk forward
No matter how I feel about what happened
I’ll just let myself that a break for a while
“Time is money”
That’s what the all the officials seem to say
But aren’t our dreams worth more?
“Money over love”
I don’t know how good your salary is
But isn’t love priceless?
I don’t care about anything
That’s what my face may say
But I’ve been praying, praying
Hoping for the impossible
I may be taking a futile chance
But that doesn’t stop me
I’ll keep trying
To my father, keep trying
To my mother, keep trying
To my brother, to the mailman, to the bride
All of you, keep trying, keep trying
If the only reason I’m so stressed is because the end of the marking period is coming, then I can’t wait for these next two weeks to fly by. Lord, I just wanna go into comtose….just for a little while….
Everything I said yesterday was true: I blame myself for everything that happened and I believe that, had I become a better person, you would still be here today.
And on the nights where you saw me crying in my room, I wondered what you wanted to tell me.
Now, I finally know: you never regretted me, you loved me and you forgive me. Even now, you love me and are encouraging me down the road ahead of me.
I will continue with my life, this I swear, and I will make sure that it’s down a path that you can be proud of me for. If I do this, will you stay with me and support me? I hope you will, because that is what I wanted more than anything when you were standing next to me.
And always remember, I love you as well and I do not blame you for anything.
Today, I had a conversation with a woman I talked to once about three years ago. Even though we only talked for a few minutes, we really got into some deep matters.
One of the things she told me that really made my day was “keep writing. It’s the thing that keeps you most at your center.”
This is so completely true. Even now, just typing this little message, I feel like I’m doing my life’s work. No matter what, as long as I write, I can find some amount of content and relaxation for myself. This is the whole reason I got a Tumblr: so I can write to my heart’s desire, despite whether people read it or not.
By writing, I will leave my mark on this world. Even after I’m dead, I will prove my existence with my writing, one word at a time.